Friend

Honestly i dont know if you will ever read this. But my dear friend please forgive me all i wish for is that our friendship can be healed it still seems like there is such a huge void between us honestly, you are like my sister and i wish that there distance that has been create will be closed i am so close for all the times i screwed up and hurt and disappointed you please forgive me Oh Lord, Hear my cry, my pain Hear my fears Lord, please heal this friendship Lord please intervene

Flux

Frankly this has been one of the toughest periods in my life (if not the toughest). So many people dont seems to understand 1. Look out of your hole and you will see you are in a much better position than most - what if i dont have anymore energy to lift my head up: have none of you heard of the story of the frog who has slowly boiled to death, all this small thing lttle have hit me over and over and over again since i was p5 and have slowly grown more painful that i slowly grew numb to pain. that it actually became part of me and defined me, so slowly and inconspicuously that i now have no energy to fight or to rise above my situation. Let alone lift my head to find the good in life. 2. Maybe its time for you to surrender - thats all i feel i have been doing, surrendering, giving in to everyone - what about me what about that things i want. does it not matter, why cant people give in to me instead. Why is it that i have no experience of that love that everyone says exist. when will it be my turn to be happy to have you give in to let me know that what i want and what i hope for will be mine. Why do i have to fight and strive all the freaking time. Why cant you come and pick me and meet where i am instead of me struggling to fight to meet you. 3. Rise about your emotions, its just emotions - rise about my emotions. How the hell am i suppose to do that when i do even have energy to live. What every energy i have left is used to make sure i dont go crazy. How am i supposed to ignore these emotions 4. Have Faith and trust - Faith and trust is not just built on words spoken or written but actions shown. Thats all i have to say. I want to sing and proclaim Your promises but i am reaching a point where i want to give up hoping and i really just too tired to do anything else, i wish you would make your move and lift me from this hole i am in. Please dont just watch idly anymore, please please please just jump in to save me for once. Let me see for grace and favour. Let me see that what i want matters cause it already takes so much energy to even rest.

Sigh

What a birthday present from you. Was looking forward to it for 2 weeks ...

Scripted

" ... what am i suppose to do when the best part of me was always you .."
" ... I'm not broke I'm just a broken hearted man .."
" ... I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet .."

Its 3.07 am ... cant sleep, cant rest, cant have piece of mind .. all i CAN do is think of you. All i can do i think of how happy you are and how you are doing.

I wonder all the time how important i am to you. Would you feel that same pain and loss i would feel if anything happens to our friendship. Cause when i think of the day when you are no longer in my life .. i break down, i panic, i scream in fear and anxiety. I dread that day when you see my true feeling that i have been hiding for the past year or so. I dread that day when you find out the true. I dread that time when you turn your back on me.

The screwed up part is that i have no one else to blame but myself. If only i could be like so many of my friends where i am in so much more control of my feelings. I wish i was strong .. not stronger just strong. I wish that i could be like you where you refuse to allow feeling to mess up you daily life.

But then again i look in the mirror and ask what is love, what does it mean to be a boyfriend, a husband and a soulmate. I dont know if i am ever gonna be good enough. Looking at my habits and weakness, i am pretty damn sure i would mess it up damn badly.

I cant say that all i want for us is to be friends cause that is a growing part of me that hopes that we could progress to something further someday but i really do hope that no matter want happens, our friendship, that i really cherish, will never be broken.

F***

F*** F*** F*** F*** F*** ..
I JUST WANT TO SCREAM I JUST WANT TO SHOUT I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP ..

F***
the pain
the rejection
the uncertainty

SIGHHH

is falling in love even woth it .. i mean was i built to be reject and not to find my special one .. I LOVE HER .. i really do .. but y is it that i am so filled with despair

haha

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