Flux

Frankly this has been one of the toughest periods in my life (if not the toughest). So many people dont seems to understand 1. Look out of your hole and you will see you are in a much better position than most - what if i dont have anymore energy to lift my head up: have none of you heard of the story of the frog who has slowly boiled to death, all this small thing lttle have hit me over and over and over again since i was p5 and have slowly grown more painful that i slowly grew numb to pain. that it actually became part of me and defined me, so slowly and inconspicuously that i now have no energy to fight or to rise above my situation. Let alone lift my head to find the good in life. 2. Maybe its time for you to surrender - thats all i feel i have been doing, surrendering, giving in to everyone - what about me what about that things i want. does it not matter, why cant people give in to me instead. Why is it that i have no experience of that love that everyone says exist. when will it be my turn to be happy to have you give in to let me know that what i want and what i hope for will be mine. Why do i have to fight and strive all the freaking time. Why cant you come and pick me and meet where i am instead of me struggling to fight to meet you. 3. Rise about your emotions, its just emotions - rise about my emotions. How the hell am i suppose to do that when i do even have energy to live. What every energy i have left is used to make sure i dont go crazy. How am i supposed to ignore these emotions 4. Have Faith and trust - Faith and trust is not just built on words spoken or written but actions shown. Thats all i have to say. I want to sing and proclaim Your promises but i am reaching a point where i want to give up hoping and i really just too tired to do anything else, i wish you would make your move and lift me from this hole i am in. Please dont just watch idly anymore, please please please just jump in to save me for once. Let me see for grace and favour. Let me see that what i want matters cause it already takes so much energy to even rest.

Sigh

What a birthday present from you. Was looking forward to it for 2 weeks ...